Mum checked  in earlier then I expected and I was scrambling to get out of house on time and to stay in my sacred space. This was the morning after Emmie’s first Skype call and being brought back to a time that was difficult for both of us.  And I was getting ready to head out for a trip up and back to Morrisville with a bunch of inspections during the day and solar-electric training that night.  Long day ahead and a fever blister had started and was itching and I was aching already.

And I thought my mother was coming home Friday from her jaunt down to the Panama Canal and I  had been the night before encouraging Em to connect with her Gram and take the responsibility for untying the purse stings for her own  treatment.  Auntie Nay Nay and Gram hold those strings in secrecy through some sort of trust that I am not privy too.  I am by choice,  part of the disenfranchised elite.    I removed myself from that knot  years ago. Though clearly,  not from all the junk associated with it.  My daughters must make their own decisions now on how they will deal with those entanglements.

But I had said to Emmie to connect with Gram as soon as she returned stateside  and to do so before my sister, Nay Nay gave all the details.  Her real name is Jennifer and I have called her Nif… which she hates… almost as much as Jenny.. and she wanted to be called Nay Nay by the kids because she fancies herself an equestrian.  I digress.

As soon as Gram landed at Logan, my sister would no doubt be fetching her up and filling her full of the details of Miss Em’s surrender and stay out at Timberline Knolls.  And all from the perspective of her never-had-her-own-children-but-I-will- judge-anyhow point of view.  But thank God for trust funds because Emmie had enough cash on hand to pay for her stay and Nay Nay was kind enough to release the funds.

Mum had already been on board with Emmie going to a place to re-boot, we had tried in the fall to get it to work, but Em was not ready yet.  She had more tumbling to do first.  The important thing was the Mum was on board.  But without Em coming to the table, in true New England Puritan style, the rest of the family was kept out of the loop, including Nay Nay.   So when Em first blew out a couple of Fridays ago, it was the exact same time that Mum went to Panama and was basically unreachable.

Which meant that if Em was to actually go, then she would have to reach out to others in the family, who had no real idea what had been going on in her world and the reaching out took courage.  Being disenfranchised,  I have no hand what so ever, and so the task was to Em and her Dad, if she could get him to advocate for her.   And she did and got her Auntie Nay Nay on board.   That was HUGE.  Just plain HUGE.

So back to the other morning.  Gram wrote,  back

I am home.  It was a wonderful trip. I have heard that Em is in Chicago.  Do you have a mailing address? I would like to send her a Valentine.  I hope all is well with you.  Love, mum

Translation:  Your sister picked me up from the airport last night and dropped the bomb that Em is in treatment in Chicago.. that was not the plan we had in the fall.. there was a place in Western Mass… what is going on?    What is this place she is at? I am a bit worried and the price of it is exorbitant!  It will take most of her cash out of her trust.  Send me the address so I can get the dirt on it and I will send her a card, which is my way to tell her I love her.   I hope you are not falling apart too.. cause that would be  too much right now.   And yes I do love you too.   Mum.

And so I did what was totally expected,  I called right away.   And she picked up on the first or second ring, indicating that she expected my call, but then said.. Oh Hello00000,  What a surprise….   ( There is always a backwards way of taking with her and my sister… never the straight up truth… almost always the opposite of what is going on, which is why I dislike insincerity so much.  Be straight with me or not at all,  please and thank you. )

And the retelling of the basics of what happened and how Em was able to surrender.

But why Chicago?  she asked.  What happened to the place in Western Mass? ( translate: the one I already previewed and approved)

I did the best I could with that one and because it was the place that Em had picked,  it was her ownership, not mine nor mum’s I tried to convey.  And then the questions of  whether her Dad was on board and how is he handling it and what of her stepmother Roxanne and what of Christine (Grandma)  where we they on all of this?  She asked, assuming that I was actually driving and in charge of the treatment.  This is all Em I said, and as far as the others,  speak to them directly,  I have stayed on the outside rim of this as much as possible.

And I turned it all back and said,  but more importantly now,  how are you with all of this?

Fine, she said.   Fine is an acronym for Frigged up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  And in my mothers case it is code for ‘ I am not going to share my emotions with you,  I have them, but I don’t share them with you. That is off-limits lady. ‘

And so I pushed, which is what I do.   Mum I mean what are you feeling about this,  are you relieved, are you scared, worried, what are your feelings?  Translation… please connect with me emotionally because you are a mother too and you know the fear and guilt and shame I have been dealing with and you, of all people are supposed to help me through this, tell me I am not alone!  Tell me all will be well!   Be my mother I want you to be  and connect with me!  I am hurting.

And her response:   I am Fine Alexandra.  Now what about… blah blah blah… change of topic because you are too close and I don’t like it.

And I am coming to an understanding of the middle way.  I might not have the mother I want, but I have the mother I need, like it or not,  she is part of the lessons I must learn to move forward.    It is  also OK to sometimes put an umbrella up when it is pouring all around.     I have been using a sieve for years  and it hasn’t been working all so well and  has allowed all sorts of stuff to come down on me.  But because of that, I have been emotionally available to my children and they count on that.   Lately I have pulled an umbrella out of my closet and have used it when friends have been raining some reality a bit too close to me as I work though the stuff that Emilie and I have shared.   I have used it as Emmie pulls a lot of stuff out of the past and like a bucket of water thrown at me,  I am bound to get wet, but the little umbrella helps a bit.   I am not such a drown rat.  But my apologies to my friends if I have not been able to stand in the rain with you at the same time.

My mother’s umbrella is a huge black thing that doesn’t let the sun nor the rain near her.  It is old and a bit musty, but it has served her for years.  And I should not want to take it from her.  It is hers and she is very attached to it.  And I think that sometimes I am the sun with her,  my brightness and love of life is too warm, and sometimes I am a bucket of cold and icy water, reminding her and taking her back to the time in her life when she was much too hurt.  I am my father’s daughter after all and have taken the name back she had to leave.  How painful for her.  She needs that umbrella to be around me and to relate to me.   And I get it.

I can have an umbrella too.  I will use my own pink one instead of black  and dance in the rain.   And when the sun comes out, I will know it because it will shine through.